kruptof

silly food labels: (took out the clues, they seemed very obvious)
On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of crisps: ...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary, details inside

On packaging for a iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"

On a bar of soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

those are the ones i found the funniest.....full list here

i like the one with tech support though..here

feel free to post any jokes which are not offensive.

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hbe02

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Indigno

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

PETA can't change anything.

__________________
Perhaps I should have a sticky topic for all of the times I "return" to this forum instead of a new one every time.

Booooze

After reading that frog one (which was funny) I had to search my email for this one. -- Enjoy.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the lub away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. "

DaWei

At least it didn't turn into a prince....

__________________
Abstraction doesn't make it impossible to write bad code; it makes it possible to write superior code.
Contributor's Corner: Grumpy on C++ Exceptions DaWei on Pointers

Indigno

It's taking a lot of will power to not pull out a tasteless joke. So, instead:

A kindergarden teacher told her class one day to bring back a story from a family member that had a moral in it.

The next day, a girl gets up and says, "Well, me and my family are egg farmers. And one day, we were taking our eggs to the market in a basket which we set on the seat of our truck. Along the way, we kit a bump, and all the eggs went flying and every single one of them broke."

"So what's the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good". Then a boy gets up and tells his story.

"My family are also farmers, except we farm the chickens themselves. One day, a man called in asking for a shipment of chicks. We told him that we had 50 incubating. When they hatched, only 40 made it."

"What's the moral there?"

"Don't count your chickens before they've hatched."

"Very good" Then a little boy stands up and tells his story.

"Well, this one's about my uncle Bob. He was a Green Beret in Vietnam. One day, his chopper crashed on a hill and everyone but him was killed. All he had was a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of whiskey. He drank the whiskey while running down the hill so that the bottle wouldn't break. Then when he got to the bottom, he was in a clearing surrounded by 100 enemy men. He killed 70 with his gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed 20 with his machete until the blade broke. Then he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

Horrified, the teacher asks, "What is the moral to that story?"

"Don't fuck with uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

__________________
Perhaps I should have a sticky topic for all of the times I "return" to this forum instead of a new one every time.

pegasus001

Here are some fro me:
1)Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots
his friend to death.Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends".

2)Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," send me your mother"

3)What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress

4)English man asks Sardar : "Hello, How do you do?" Sardar : I don't know about you, but we remove underwear and do!!

5)Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE Without Information Fighting Everytime.Wife replies," No, It means ,With Idiot For Ever!!!"

__________________
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
The next generation will always surpass the previous one. It`s one of the never ending cycles of life.

pegasus001

I found some new ones:
6)A man took his wife to the State Fair one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls.They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says"This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that
says "This Bull mated 120 times last year."The wife hits her husband and says"That' s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says "Wow That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one. "The husband looks at her and says.... "Go and ask him if it was with the same cow."

7)Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future? Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.Vinod:I want 2 b a doctor.Deepa:I want 2 b a good mother.Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.

8)A man is dying of Cancer.His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

9)Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and Panic is when both are pregnant.

__________________
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
The next generation will always surpass the previous one. It`s one of the never ending cycles of life.

lectricpharaoh

In class one day, the teacher is showing the children pictures of animals, and asking them to tell her what they are. First, she holds up a picture of a cat. "Can anyone tell me what this animal is?"

"It's a cat!" exclaims Billy.

"Very good," says the teacher, putting the picture down and showing the next, a picture of a dog. "How about this one?"

"That's a dog!" squeals Susie.

"That's right Susie," responds the teacher, next showing a picture of a mouse and asking the class what it is.

Annie says, "Oh that's easy, it's a mouse."

The teacher congratulates her, then holds up a picture of a deer. "Does anyone know this animal?" she asks.

The class is silent. "I'll give you a hint," says the teacher. "It's something your mother might call your father around the house."

"I know, I know!" shouts Little Johnny. "It's a horny bastard!"

----------

One day, a man who works at the dump stumbles upon an old lamp. Familiar with tales of genies and what not, he grabs the cleanest rag he's got, and starts polishing it, when lo and behold, a genie pops out. "I am the

Genie of the Lamp, and I will grant three wishes to thee. However, knowest thou that thine worst enemy shall receive twice that which thee asks for."

The man thinks for a few moments, and then says, "For my first wish, I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams, living in the lap of luxury."

The genie says "So shall it be," and then claps his hands. No longer is the man in the foul-smelling dump, but instead relaxing in the tropical sun beside the huge pool that is now part of his grand estate.

"Next, I wish to be always surrounded by beautiful, adoring women."

"So shall it be," intones the genie, clapping his hands. Instantly, there are dozens of gorgeous women, caressing him in the most sensual ways imaginable.

"Finally, for my third wish, I would like just one of my testicles to vanish."

__________________
And once again, Probability proves itself willing to sneak into a back alley and service Drama as would a copper-piece harlot.
- Vaarsuvius, Order of the Stick

pegasus001

Women explaine by engineers:

1) To find a woman you need time and money therefore :
woman = time * money

2) "Time is money " so :
Time = money

3) Therefore :
woman = money * money = (money)^2

4) "money is the root of all problems " so :
money = sqrt(problems)

5) Therefore :
woman = (sqrt(problems))^2 = problems

:banana: :banana: :banana:

__________________
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
The next generation will always surpass the previous one. It`s one of the never ending cycles of life.